Month: February 2017

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I was having a hard time yesterday. I feel that way most of the time, to some extent; I recently described it to my mom as feeling like I’m swimming through cement while everyone else walks past me. Yesterday, though, a combination of things just hit me at once. I had a meltdown and I didn’t know how to get out of it. So I turned to music, like I usually do. A familiar song came on.

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Three years ago, this song was very popular (and it still is– for good reason.) We sang it in church sometimes, and it was always on the radio. When I heard it last night, I was immediately taken back to three years ago. Could that be right? I looked it up. I was right. Three years ago today, I was baptized. On the ride home, this song came on.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

I won’t get into the full story here, but I was raised Christian and never quite meshed with my family’s preferred denomination. I bounced around a little, attending a youth group in high school and a local church in college, but nothing really stuck. Finally, years later and ten hours from where I grew up, a friend brought me to church with her. It was exactly what I needed.

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

It’s been a hard three years. I’ve been sick for most of it, to varying degrees, some years (months, weeks, hours, minutes) worse than others. I don’t live near the church I was baptized in anymore. I haven’t been inside a church in what feels like a long time for me. It’s hard to belong anywhere when you are sick. But I tell myself– it isn’t about that. It’s about more than just belonging to a place. I may feel like I never belong anywhere, but I always belong with God. I just need a reminder sometimes.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I don’t always know where my life is going to take me. The uncertainty of chronic illness will always be there, in the corners of my mind, reminding me that anything can happen. Remember what happened last time you tried? it says to me. Don’t make plans. You can’t trust. Anyone, anything– you can’t trust.

“But I can trust,” I say back. I can trust in Him, that He will be with me no matter what comes next. And I will trust.

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Baseball was my first love.

I can’t even explain why I first started watching it. I never played baseball or softball, except once or twice in gym class. Basketball was the sport I loved to play, but baseball was the sport I loved to watch. My dad had the games on TV sometimes, not yet the devoted fan he is now, and one day I just started watching with him. I have never stopped watching.

For a sport I only started watching on a whim, baseball has brought so much to my life. It has given me a better relationship not only with my father, but also the other men in my family. Every year, the men in my extended family went on a “guys trip” to a Phillies game. Every year, of course, until my sister and I started crashing it. Some of my happiest memories have centered around baseball– the time my dad and I saw Kevin Millwood’s no-hitter in person, the phone call from my elated grandfather after the Phillies won the 2008 World Series, the yearly trips with my uncle who passed away last month.

Baseball has also carried me through some of the worst times in my life. As someone who has spent the better part of the last 5 years in states of health ranging from “I think I’m getting a fever” to “am I still going to be alive in the morning?”, I have countless memories of sleepless nights spent watching old highlights to distract myself from the pain. I remember watching games from my hospital bed as doctors snuck in to check the score, and even that time a nurse tried to convince my heavily medicated self that the Phillies had traded our mascot. There is good for every bad, and I can tell the story of being diagnosed on my birthday alongside the memory of a combined no-hitter on that date three years later. Hell, the first time my bag leaked in public was at Cooperstown– I deserve to be inducted into the IBD Hall of Fame for that one.

As Phillies pitchers and catchers report to spring training, the fact that their first official workout is on Valentine’s Day seems like no coincidence. On a day that’s all about love and overpriced chocolates, I look back on the little girl who first sat down to watch baseball all those years ago and never imagined all the joy (and maybe some frustration) it would bring to her life. Through good times and bad times, Gold Gloves and blown saves, I know I’ll always have my one true love.