If You Give an IBD Patient Some Prednisone
By: @sarizabeth/Girl Meets IBD
Parody of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” by Laura Numeroff.
If you give an IBD patient some prednisone, she’s going to ask for all the food in your kitchen. Just give it to her. She looks mad.
When you give her the food, she’ll probably ask for a drink. Great, now she has to pee again. When she’s finished, she’ll ask for some napkins to wipe up the sweat pouring off of her skin. (Night sweats? Day sweats? What’s the difference?)
Then she’ll want to look in a mirror to make sure she doesn’t have a chocolate milk mustache from the five gallons she just drank. But don’t let her. Because she has moon face. And a REAL mustache. So she’ll probably ask for a razor to shave it off. (Don’t leave her alone with the razor. Just trust us.)
When she’s finished shaving, she’ll decide she wants to clean the house. At midnight. Because she has energy now. She might get carried away and start repairing the roof. The neighbors won’t be happy. Oh, now she’s crying. Better get her off the ladder.
When she’s finally off the roof, she’ll probably want to take a nap, because it is 2 A.M. and all. But she can’t, because, you know, prednisone. Why is it so hot in this house!? Time to sleep naked. But don’t touch her. Stay over there. Or better yet, sleep on the floor tonight.
Maybe she’ll read a book to help her fall asleep. Uh-oh, she’s crying again. Take the book from her. Who knew chick lit could be so upsetting? NOW what is she doing? Oh, she’s writing a grocery list, because she ate all the food in the house yesterday. Then she’ll want to hang the list on the refrigerator so she doesn’t forget it. You’ll have to take the padlock off the kitchen door so she can get in there.
Looking at the refrigerator will remind her that she’s thirsty. So… you’ll offer her some tap water, because she already drank everything else in the house.
And chances are, if she asks you for a drink, she’s going to want some food to go with it. But it’s two in the—Never mind. She still looks pretty mad. Just go find her some food.
THE END