Empowerment is a word often heard in chronic illness communities. So is bravery. While these words take on different meanings in each community, there is a common one found in the community I spend most of my time in. What could be more brave and empowering than for a person with IBD and an ostomy to show off her scars? To “own it” and show that she isn’t embarrassed, or abnormal, or disgusting? To say “like it or not, here I am, I’m not ashamed?”
Well, I’m not ashamed. I am brave, strong, and confident. And I don’t want to show you my scars.
It’s not that I’m embarrassed. I willingly chose a permanent ostomy over a jpouch, knowing that I would be left with a visible appliance. I guess I could be defined as abnormal, but I don’t choose to define myself that way. I’m sure as hell not disgusting, or disgusted by my post-surgery self. Do I feel ugly sometimes? Sure, but my surgery has nothing to do with it. I look much better than I did when I was spending hours in the bathroom every day, I’ll tell you that.
So why don’t I want to show my scars to people? I don’t think it needs an explanation, other than to say that it’s just not something I’m interested in. One of the few positive things I’ve taken away from being chronically ill is that I’ve learned to say no and stopped giving in to things I’m not comfortable with. People can choose to show off their scars and bags and anything else they want to, and that’s fine. It’s also fine for me not to do it. It doesn’t mean I’m uncomfortable with my body, or that I hate or resent it. It means that the things that make me feel empowered may not be the same things that make you feel empowered.
Find what makes you feel brave and confident. It might be something that makes your invisible illness more visible to others. It might be something that only you can see. It can, and probably will, change over time. I feel empowered by writing and talking and sharing my experiences. That’s why I started this blog. That’s also why I’m sharing my feelings on this topic. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I want you to know that however you choose to feel empowered is okay, even if it’s not what other people are doing.
I’m not ashamed of my body, or the way I choose to present it (or not present it.) I am still brave, confident, and all of those other words that come along with owning your battle. I just choose to keep some things inside.